So this morning after getting my kids off to school and getting ready for work I did something that I do occasionally, I checked my Facebook page and while scrolling through just to kill time, I saw this video with Iyanla Vanzant about family life speaking to men about being responsible for fathering children and not being there wholly for them. At first I didn’t feel like watching the video and initially past it and continued on. I didn’t pass it because I knew what it was about more so because the caption had someone declaring tears and sadness. Now you can image, its morning, the day has just started and you kind of don’t want to be dragged down this early in the morning because let’s face it. Your morning generally depicts the mood for the rest of the day. So after about three minutes of wasting my time and making my way back up to the top of my home page because there was just nothing grabbing my attention, I saw the video again and decide what the hell, I might as well watch it.
Now I hope I get to share this video with you because it was an emotionally intense one. I felt it down to my core because this topic hit home for me, now while my ex will or won’t and may or may not have already fathered other children, the gist of the message I want you to take away is that this doesn’t just speak to the men. When I watched it I felt like crying much like most of those women you see in the video while Iyanla was presenting herself as what a large majority of women undoubtedly feels like if ever was made to be in this position, but I couldn’t cry, even when it was at my throat.
A large majority of Jamaica women and I suspect true for other nationalities, because this problem is not indigenous to us, have been placed in this “baby Mama” stigma. Did we go out seeking it? No. Did we choose it? Yes. Like me, many women just like Iyanla said, we poured out ourselves into these men. We opened up for them (in more ways than one). We trusted them with our bodies, our hearts to be who they promised us they would be. See a lot of the times we were fooling ourselves, living in a fantasy world where we waited on men to change or waited on them to accept us for who we were or we just had some deep down daddy issues which started in much the same place as this with our mothers. While we waited and waited we poured and poured, giving into all their demands, fulfilling all their needs, popping out babies while they make some excuse after another to justify to themselves that they are giving you more than you deserved.
Let me tell you I didn’t cry because I did that already, waited on a sincere apology and ladies you know when it is sincere but for many of us that will never come so we cannot sit down and wait on them to make us feel better about ourselves. You need to take control of your own emotional health. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to get angry, then get angry but work through it, deal with the fair, the pain and leave it behind. See men don’t realize why most and I stress most women get bitter, it was not because they left or because they moved on, it is because we never got a sincere, I know I fucked up, I wasted your time, I BROKE my PROMISE, I took you for granted apology.
Ladies we may not go seeking to get our hearts broken and to end up with kids and a baby daddy but we allowed it to happen. Am not saying that the men shouldn’t take responsibility for their part in it but we have a heck of a lot of control in what we accept as good enough. If like me you find yourselves in a position where you are suddenly single with kids work through your pain, its hard but don’t let it cripple you or drag that baggage into a next relationship, all you would end up with is going through the cycle again. There is a difference between baggage and learnt lessons and how you apply them to new relationships. Self-evaluate, learn what you did and didn’t do right, understand what you expect from men and how you require to be treated and by the love of God stick to it. We have the power to minimize the ratio on daddiless children in this world if we each cut the cycle our mothers and theirs started. Stop giving them everything they need because you fear they will leave you, if they do, fuck em, they were not meant for you in the first place. The first place this epidemic starts is with us women, so I implore you. Spend some time knowing yourself, learning who you are and most importantly WHAT YOU WANT.